Are there still miracles?

Dear diary,

It's been a long time since the last letter I wrote here. April, if I'm not mistaken? But I didn't publish it yet, and maybe never will. I keep all my deepest feelings to myself.

It's almost September this year, and still I have no formal job yet since I graduated last April. Facing heartbreak in the very early part of the year, then I got healed. Found a new guy in April, and still we couldn't make it 'til the end, since we have a different faith. I got healed again and have been writing a book since June with my last study supervisor. Then I decided to take an IELTS course in July, and went back to my city this August to help with the Independence Day things in my village and so on.

This year for me is a year of rejections. I got so so many rejections both on my way to pursue my next study and to get a formal job, both in academia and corporate. But, yeah, still I got nothing in these almost 9 months.

I feel so tired of all the things in my life right after I finished my last study. Getting stuck at home for a long time makes me feel so sucked out. Arguing with my mom every single day, and she never sees anything good in me. I have some dreams, and she always tells me that I have to be rational and believe her to follow my path just like what she thinks about me in the future. The saddest thing is that she still doesn’t give me her blessing to pursue my next study abroad for around four years without having a life companion yet. That’s why all I’ve seen are rejections and postponements.

And of course, being locked at home gives me no chances of meeting someone I could interact with, maybe. Meanwhile, I'm so done with just online interaction, since it made me so bored and made me lose my spark.

You know, I just realized that not everything we have planned is gonna work out. It just hurts me so much. I lose my faith on how miracles have always come to me throughout my whole life in these 26 years. I used to believe that the universe was always being good to me, but now I think it's not going to last forever.

I just want to reach out to you to let you check on me these present days. Please assure me that later, the miracles will still find me.

With love,

Lilly