If May Death is upon Me
If may death is upon me,
I don't know why everything is such chaos. My mind is screwed up like a tangled thread. I'm trying so hard to keep my mind together. I try so hard to meet people and make conversations with them. It feels like it's so hard to talk to society. Aku tidak lancar berbicara, aku takut untuk mengungkapkan apa yang ada di kepalaku, aku takut salah bicara di hadapan banyak orang. Aku kehilangan diriku sendiri. It's so difficult for me to control myself, to stay calm, to not look nervous, and I'm trying as hard as I can to pretend that everything is okay. But I think it's not, is it?
Some days ago, my supervisor told me that she was glad to see that I had already found the courage to go through all of this. The scholarship rejections, the cancelled opportunities, and all those job applications. She knew how hard it was for me to face all of this and keep standing until this day.
I don't know why everything has to be so hard at home, especially when it comes to talking clearly with my mom. All I find is just a tangled thread. She keeps yelling at me, saying that I won't make it if I keep stressing out every single day. Yes, I know, my body is in its bloated era and full of cortisol. And she yells at me as if I can't fix it. But she never saw me when I lived alone for the past two years. I could handle myself. I had my daily routine so well-organized that I could make everything run pretty smoothly. I had my fit body, and I could handle my mental health well enough.
I just keep wondering and asking myself why, if she really loves me, does she always yell at me? Even when my throat was fucking burning after I accidentally got that detergent water in my mouth, she yelled at me and got so fucking mad. Yes, I know it was my own stupidity to pour detergent water into a bottle to clean the floor. But please, just slow down and don't yell at me.
Why couldn't she just use the same approach as my supervisor? Facing all these difficult things in a really calm way. But I bet she never would.
She just seems like the kind of person who believes that everything can be handled smoothly. She doesn't believe in mental health. What she believes is that if we have a good relationship with God, everything will be fine. That's why she always yells at me, telling me that I'm someone who is never grateful enough.
And every time I get sick, she always pushes me to be strong and fight through the pain. Sometimes, I just don't get it.
I know she's such a wonderful and tough woman. But we can't push other people to be like us, right?
She never even believes me. When I successfully lost weight through intermittent fasting and told her how to do it on her body too, she still didn't believe me. She always believes someone else online or her friends instead. But she never listens to me. She always thinks that all the new perspectives I gained from my master's studies, or the whole process I went through during that time, have just made me feel so full of myself, as if I think I'm capable of doing anything. And she thinks they've made me so emotional. But the thing is, I'm tired of her acting as if she never believes me.
I don't know why life sucks so much. I feel like I've ruined everything. I can't make it. It's just so hard. I know I can handle it, but I need time to heal and slow down. But if all I ever get is people pushing me to be brave, I can't handle my emotions anymore, and I start feeling like I just can't make it.
Last month, I found myself wondering why I was even still living when I felt like I had no purpose at all. But then, God gave me a moment that made me realize something. I accidentally swallowed that detergent water, and my throat was fucking burning. I wasn't ready to die yet. I kept reminding myself that there were still so many dreams I hadn't made come true.
